On Closeness…
This is a very personal post. If you don’t like delving into what makes a person tick (or not tick), feel free to skip this one.
For the longest time, I’ve lived with the reality of constant emotional pain. One of my biggest mistakes is that I valued relationships over all other things. Pursuing a romantic relationship has become an obsession of mine that has filled years of my life with anxiety, sadness, and emotional instability. My biggest flaw is that I can and will fall in love with just about anybody.
I’ve thought about this problem for the longest time, and I’ve decided there’s only one way to go about this problem.
I am consciously choosing to be single. The anxiety I feel from worrying about love and relationships feels like enough to push me over the edge and drive me crazy. Often, I feel unwanted, undesired, and unattractive, even though that may not be the case. I often feel that people just couldn’t love me in a romantic context, because why on earth should they?
It’s even worse when I’m in a relationship.
I am also choosing to abstain from having sex of any sort. I’ve never been one to sleep around to begin with, but that very anxiety carries over to intimacy for me, and it’s embarrassing and emotionally painful. I feel that I’m more or less impotent because of this.
It’s all a matter of perspective. Would you rather feel alone, or would you rather feel that you chose to be alone?
So, until further notice, I am consciously choosing to be celibate and alone, rather than falling into the situation of being lonely and unsatisfied. I feel that there’s a lot of power in saying “No.” It’s empowering to deny social situations in which a person propositions you, because it shows that while you can certainly embrace sexuality, you choose not to partake in it for whatever reason of your choosing. There is no obligation, and there never was.
This isn’t for any religious sort of reason. This is because I still have a lot of pain, and I can’t afford to get that close to another human being right now.
