30DTC: Days Twenty-One to Twenty-Two: Cable Vision
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Breaking Bad. Holy shit, is that show great. It’s probably as addictive as the meth they produce on there. The narrative is well put-together, the actors are fantastic (the guys who play Walter and Jesse have a marvelous chemistry with one another), and the show is genuinely interesting. I can’t wait for the new season, because I’m going to watch the shit out of it.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
I’d like to think that in many ways, I’m a lot more mature than I was at 18. But then, in some ways I’m not. I’m still impulsive, and I do really stupid things. Frankly, I still make lots of really stupid mistakes with almost no forethought or care whatsoever.
I’m also still a pretty angry individual. I had thought that had all subsided, maybe I just need to get high more often, but I just find myself pissed at the world and everyone in it. My worldview is very jaded and devoid of meaning or purpose or place.
I can’t even really think of a single lesson I’ve learned, other than “Don’t fall behind on homework.” Every other thing I think I’ve learned is really just circumstantial emotional philosophical bullshit. I’m not really sure I care about much of anything right now.
I feel devoid of emotion, and occasionally, morality in general. The real question is, did I change at all, and if so, have I been changing for the better?
I used to be so optimistic, and believed that I could change the world…and yet, now I see a certain appeal in just destroying the entire world, and everyone in it.
30DTC: Day ???? : Depleted Uranium Is a War Criiiiime
Time to catch up. Expect a TL;DR, except without a summary, because fuck you for wanting a short version. If you wanted a short version, you could go back to your boyfriend already! :D
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Last year (and a few years before it) were nothing but lows! It was all one big depression-fest in which I came out to my parents about my different sexuality (2009), got kicked out of my dad’s house for loving a transwoman (2009), had my heart broken by people who played on my emotions (two people, 2009, 2010), was fooled into thinking I was going to be a father (2010), dropped out of the Air Force just before joining (2010), lost my grueling mailroom assistant job (2011), got high all the time (2011), realized I was totally incompatible with someone I thought I loved (2011), dropped out of school (2011), realized I was working for a functionally retarded company that didn’t understand the web (2011), had to deal with being around an obnoxious country music singer all the time, who blew said company’s money (2011), lost my car (2011), had to move back home due to having no car (2011), lost my job and have yet to even receive an ENTIRE MONTH’S WAGES because the stupid boss kept putting off my payment (2011), lived paycheck-to-paycheck on unemployment (2011), dealt with a screaming, constantly crying baby brother, and a mother that was frazzled and upset all the time (2011), basically have been ostracized from half of my family (2011), fell in love with people that couldn’t possibly love me back, ever. (2011), and I worked at Hollister, which wasn’t that bad, actually.
I also managed to:
Get fucked over on some of my web clients for my under-the-table design job.
Grow apart from people I once considered close friends.
Starve every time I was at work and suddenly ran out of money because my bills felt like beating the shit out of my wallet.
I’m happy to report that I’ve “Gotten Over It”. Yep, all of that stuff. I’m okay now. :) Things have dramatically turned around, and I know have very few problems to deal with.
Let’s sum up the good things that happened:
I loved more passionately than I thought I ever could.
I realized that I’m not meant to be alone, I’m not fat, and I’m not ugly.
I’ve had enough creative ideas to fill a hundred novels and create dozens of games and projects.
I am unafraid to be myself.
I’ve overcome my vices and addictions, without professional help.
I reconnected with my father.
I saw glimpses of what I will be capable of in the future. I will find a way to change the world for the better.
I found time to see some of my closest friends every single week, even when I had no money or transportation.
I how have the confidence level the size of a planet. Not Jupiter, but hey, even Mercury’s pretty big in comparison to the size of my body.
My worldview matured.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
I use the term “Universalist Unitarian” very loosely. I think the dogmatic approach of “nonbelievers suffer forever in a lake of fire” is a stupid belief that no loving god-figure would be capable of. I don’t know the nature of my reality, and I’m convinced that there may in fact be no universal truth to be found at all. It’s a sobering viewpoint at first, until you realize that we can define our own meaning in this reality devoid of meaning.
I’ve been interested in Astral Travel and exploring different levels of the human consciousness. I actively test hypnosis files and methods on myself. Some of them may have fractured my psyche in the process, but I have to know what’s in this head of mine. What is consciousness? How do I know that my reality is even real?
I have only a few basic tenets that I live by:
Don’t be a dick.
Never stop thinking.
Be a decent human being. Not because you should, but because you want to be.
Follow your moral compass, always.
Try not to buy into too much bullshit.
Love with your entire heart.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
I try not to disrespect them. Shit, nobody’s perfect. I do my best not to fly off the handle at anybody though.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Education is only as important as you can make it. I have every intention of using mine to the best of my ability, when I can get back into school.
There’s no question of it…everybody I know likes to hate on mainstream music, at least a little bit. We hear something absolutely, mind-blowingly terrible come out on the radio, and every type of person we don’t like just gets totally, totally into it.They carry moronic slogans and push these so-called musicians on pedestals and worship these creatures with their hearts and souls.
These people’s very livelihood and happiness seems to stem from these artists, and the artists themselves aren’t necessarily bad musicians usually, but the question remains as to why most mainstream music is viewed as “art” rather than “convenience noise”.
It’s fast food for your ears, at best. Like fast food, we all have that one musician that happens to be a guilty favorite. It’s in no way, shape, or form “good for you”, but you usually consume it anyway because you feel that you NEED it. A desire for music is in many ways similar to the fundamental need of hunger for food. It sustains a human being.
Mainstream music is made to be easily consumed so that people will buy into it in a multitude of ways. You don’t put art in a Chevy commercial, and you don’t put any of the true musical geniuses of the past century at Times Square on New Years Eve. That music isn’t intended to be enjoyed that way.
With all that being said, I don’t really enjoy most mainstream music and mainstream culture unless I can find a purpose in particular artists and their work. For example, I’m just going to come out and say it, I hate Lady Gaga. Oh, she’s attractive, and she’s certainly a decent singer, but I fail to see any sort of artistic representation in her work at all. It’s all aesthetic white noise, from her style to her sound to the clothes that she wears. She can write a pretty song, but she’ll never have a magnum opus that rings through the centuries.
A good way of viewing everything that’s wrong with the mainstream these days can be conceptualized by the following.
In a time before digital downloads ruined the music industry and trying to “Top the Music Charts” were meaningless endeavors, artists poured their hearts and souls into their work. A poor song or bad piece was, by extension, a poor representation of the artist themselves. After all, music was their lifeblood. It’s what put food on their table, so they had to individually dive into their own genius in order to prosper. It was a beautifully brutal and competitive field as musicians tried to constantly top one another. This was art being created for the sake of prosperity and living, this was art created to be recognized throughout history.
Mainstream music has very little of this these days. Have you gone out and bought an album recently, only to have maybe one really solid single, like five okay songs, and three really crappy ones? And there was no central theme tying the album together, aside from the black hole that was your heart after listening to it?
It isn’t that this music gets made anymore. It does. It’s just that it seems to rarely get the recognition it truly deserves. The spoils usually go to a mediocre artist that managed to sell more albums and more tickets to anyone else. It is competitive music in terms of financial gain, rather than the original pursuit of ingenuity. Things like AutoTunes level the playing field anymore. A musician doesn’t even have to be good to get 7 million dollars for some single. Everything you hate about the fakeness of the beauty and fashion industries is directly applied to modern music. Most of it is a horrible, horrible lie.
The tragedy is, people will continue to buy into shitty artists. The system is set up that way, because this system works for record labels, and this system is easy. Why listen to music that challenges your soul or terrifies you, or moves you emotionally to the brink of tears, when you can put some poppy bullshit on and act like everything is totally fine?
And so, we turn to music that isn’t so celebrated in the spotlight. Some of it is totally terrible as well, but for different reasons. Many artists can’t make it in the mainstream because they’re peddling a song that no one wants to buy, for various reasons, both good and bad. (From that musician’s perspective.)
I will be honest and say that this does inspire an awful lot of elitism and snobbery. For example, I won’t listen to most dubstep because I think 90% of the stuff out there is just garbage for bros that like to listen to Skrillex and smoke K2. So, I don’t associate with that kind of music after listening to it, because I don’t like it, and I don’t like what it represents. My own actions have made myself a vocal, elitist prick about it.
But then there are artists such as Pretty Lights, Godspeed! You Black Emperor, Daft Punk, Queen, Pink Floyd, Trent Reznor, and Sun. They disregarded traditional sound to pioneer something very new at their time, and some of these bands even disregarded aesthetics entirely in the pursuit of genius. A great example of this is Pink Floyd’s A Saucerful of Secrets, and this recording shows points that are absolutely terrifying to listen to. On the other hand, there are parts of it so stunningly beautiful, that one could argue that it’s the best piece of music written within the past couple hundred years.
So, I guess my point is, fuck music that is easy and accessible. Fuck these so-called bands such as Nickelback. Fuck all of that. Listen to music that genuinely excites and challenges you. Listen to music that shakes you to your core, and rattles your soul.
And don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes, it’s okay to listen to mainstream music, too. It’s okay to like bands that your elitist friends don’t like sometimes. For example, I will love Fall Out Boy until the day I die.
I’m assuming by “Bullet”, you mean act out how my day went in bullet points. That’s fine.
Woke up at eleven.
Lindsey was all like “Sean, wake up and get out of bed.” in a text. She knew, man. She knew.
Got in the shower, imagined myself as a giant under a mystic waterfall in Middle Earth, singing beautiful songs of the forest to hundreds of tiny little village people that were worshiping me.
After drying off and more texts, I mixed the remaining Fruit Loops with a fresh box of Apple Jacks and dug in.
Looked over some bugs. Closed a few, changed a few to be better.
Got on IRC for Diaspora, talked to Max about reviewing an upcoming blog post for the community. Spent some time rewriting it to better convey the points the devs want to get across for the developer blog.
Played some Space Quest: Incinerations. Pretty awesome so far, very different from the other fangames out there.
Debated whether or not I should install different graphics drivers for my laptop. Lots of pros and cons, ended up just not bothering for now.
Andy picked me up, we went to the Mall to meet Cameron.
Talked a lot about girls on the drive over.
Hung out with Cameron at Spencer’s, then went to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Cameron was showing us some weights for weight lifting, and also had us all punch the pad. I always feel so weak compared to the other guys though.
Made our way over to Joe’s, got some McDonalds and pigged out. I know I need to stop it, but ehhh fuck it.
Watched Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith begrudgingly, had an awesome time playing Zombie D&D.
Zach drove me home, we talked more about girls and relationships and stuff.
Now I’m here writing this.
I might try to write a proposal or idea or something for D* before I go off to bed. Seeing as the site is blacking out tomorrow, there won’t be much community work I’ll be able to do. I might be able to finish up and post that blog post if one of the guys can greenlight it really quick.
My first real kiss happened when I was about 8 or 9. My brothers and I used to play toys in the basement all the time, and I also had this friend that I’d grown up with named Kelsey. We had spent a lot of time together since infancy, and about five years ago we lost contact with her family.
I’ll never forget when she kissed me though. We decided it would be fun to play house, even though we barely understood how a normal house functions. I was a businessman, randomly standing in the shower downstairs with a briefcase getting ready for work, and she pretended to be my little housewife. We kissed standing under a cascade of warm water, both fully dressed. Needless to say, my father’s suit was ruined, and both of our moms walked in on us. We both got in huge trouble.
Best. First kiss. Ever.
I don’t really know where my first love came from. Oh, I had some pretty heavy crushes and obsessions all through grade school, middle school, and high school. But romance? Love? I rarely feel a true connection with anybody, even though I feel like I can have one with everybody.
My first romantic love, as in totally-hopeless-romantic-love, was Rie. I won’t say much about her, because I don’t want to dig up old wounds, but I really, really loved her. She broke my heart quite a few times, and they were all results of me being willing to do anything for her. Frankly, she was very selfish in proximity to me, and ended up playing upon my emotions. And I was totally okay with that.
I’d like to point out that the person the following post is about knows exactly who they are. I have omitted names, but this is really a part of a recurring trend of the problems us “Nice Guys” face, and hence the source of my own frustration.
I’d also like to point out that this could be viewed as an angry and hurtful post. Nothing could be further from the truth. A real friend speaks up about these things, even if it’s only in a quiet little post on a blog only a handful of people ever read.
One of my least favorite things is when someone that obviously knows you like them tells you about how lonely they are, and how nobody will love them for them and only them, etc. etc.
This kind of sadness is all well and dandy, I often feel it myself to a certain degree, but I really kind of lose respect for people when I’ve obviously confronted them with my feelings time and time again, only to get shut down awkwardly. Yeah, I realize that our timing has sucked, and I know at least two points where you seemed really interested in me. It’s things like that which cause a man to pause and wonder if the reality he is in still matches up, and that he shouldn’t have passed an opportunity over. It’s called learning from a mistake.
Do I sound callous? Maybe. Oh, I’ll offer kind words, and feel sorry for you, but it isn’t for the reasons that you think. I’ve gone my entire life with only bits and pieces, and that’s all I’ll have and be when I’m gone. You have had relationship after bad relationship, but the fact of the matter is that you choose them without hardly making any change in your tact at all. You constantly date nothing but assholes. It’s like you got a free paid meal to the “Asshole Boyfriend Buffet”, and even though it’s giving you heartburn, you still don’t want to leave. You just keep going back for extra helpings.
With that in mind, I pity you. Really, you’re better than that. Don’t talk to a guy that likes you about how lonely you are and how no man will ever love you. It fucks with that guy’s feelings, and is basically the equivalent of saying “I don’t consider you capable of being a partner and an equal, and I’ll never return those feelings that you radiate towards me.”
It’s really quite simple. If you want to be wholly loved by only one human being in a romantic way, you have to be ready to give that love as well. With this in mind, I cannot love just one person at the moment, as it’s quite possible that none of the people I particularly care for like me the way I like them. And that’s okay.
This has been a Public Service Announcement telling you to get a grip and stop being so difficult and contradictory.
Oh, this one. This is always a tough one, because there’s so much that I still want to do.
I want to step out my creative output by about 1,000% over the next couple of years. I want to make a new piece every day, when I can find time for it. I want to make games and release them, and maybe have a webcomic or two.
Truth is, I want to do what I love for the rest of my life. I want to be some intrepid web designer with my own design firm. I want to make underground comics and wow the people at Marvel, DC, Image, or Dark Horse, and go work for them for a couple of years. I want to start a band, tour the United States, and star in movies. I mean, why not?
I want to start my own companies and business ventures, and innovate in the marketplace. Contribute to a series of fundamentally important Open Source projects that end up changing the entire internet for the better.
There’s a lot that I want to do. The tragedy is that I have only about 80 years to do all that before I kick the bucket.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Let me tell you how I feel right now. Level with me.
The last few months have definitely been rough. I’ve been down in the dumps, floating from job to job. I walked away from an employer on oDesk that had been kind of a dirtbag and was acting really shady.
Let me back up. I’m a college dropout. I tell everyone that “I’m off for a few semesters.”, and while that’s technically true, and I plan on going back, 2011 was a very emotionally pressing year. I got involved with a startup that fell through and fucked me out of a month’s worth of wages. I moved out of my best friend’s house and came back to live with my mom because I didn’t have a car anymore, and there was no decent way to get a replacement.
I’m now living without a car, dependent on my mother and friends for rides. Money practically bleeds through my fingers to cover bills, student debt, and just wanting to see my friends. I was hanging out with friends maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and always kept ending up broke. My poor planning skills and my wanting to escape caused me to hit rock bottom.
Holy shit, life is terrifying. Falling in and out of love with people, waiting in the background of other people’s lives, watching the world go to Hell on the news. All the fascist things our government is doing. The utter pointlessness of existence and reality. The fact that the reality you were raised in was an utter lie.All of these things are hugely overwhelming, and threw me into a deep, several-month-long depression.
I wanted to kill myself.
I’m so glad I managed to hang on for so long.
I managed to carve out a temporary niche for myself as a Drupal developer on oDesk. I haven’t had many employers yet, but my last one gave me a lot of substantial hours and experience. We came to terms with one another, and gave each other positive feedback.
It’s terrifying to have bad reviews hang over your head and threaten your very ability to work. You’re already getting conned out of tons of money by farming out your work to the lowest bidder. It really sucks when it’s your primary source of income.
I was working between a minimum-wage job at Hollister (which fucks everyone out of hours) and that. Server bills and phone bills made me their humble bitch.
I’m happy to report that this is all behind me now.
This week, I started my internship for a social networking startup. These guys are like rock stars in the open source community right now, and they’re working on a project I’ve admired and believed in. They swept me up and gave me a position to do what I love as a job.
I really hope it pans out. I love the community, I love the people. These people are working on changing the world in their own special way,
The best part is that I can work from home, which fits around my horrible “you need a car to go to work” problem.
So, how am I?
I’m doing a lot better. I feel like the creativity and positive energy and hope has come back into my life. I survived miserable emotional torture, and being broke and helpless. I’ve climbed out of this hole, and I’m getting back on my feet.
I still have a long way to go, but at least I’m moving up again.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
I’m a Leo. I’m:
Fiercely loyal to my friends.
I take lots of pride in my work and the things I do.
I am a natural-born leader. I love directing people towards a central vision or idea.
My idealism causes me to value human life and the pursuit of happiness and love above all other things.
I deeply enjoy flattery and attention. I don’t ordinarily fish for compliments, but when I get one, it means the fucking world to me. It’s a way of saying “Hey, Sean, you’re a good guy, and I like this about you.”
I hate to admit it, but I have a huge ego. I also despise myself at times though, so I feel that this lines up.
I fall into despair when I feel unloved.
Occasionally, my expression of self is very coarse and inarticulate when talking. My language skills are far stronger in writing, and I often make mistakes while talking.
I need love and attention from others to boost my ego. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that I’m completely self-absorbed.
In short, I feel that my sign is a good fit for me.
Yeah, I remember people having issues with 4th ed.. we play 3.5 though. Indeed, the DM is pretty much what determines a good game. Ours isn’t too experienced, but we’re all beginners anyhow so we just mess around a lot.
That sounds awesome! You guys sound like fun to play with.
9. Ah. Sounds like it could be fun, but I think I prefer the original rules of D&D. Or at least the rules as modified by the DMs of our current campaign. 26. Eccentric to others perhaps. I’m much the same way as you, however.
9. It depends on the campaign type; I’m cool with most games as long as they aren’t 4th Edition. But the zombie one is terrific, you play as yourself, and the rules are simplified. Also, a solid DM really sells the experience for me. The guy is looking at going into multimedia, so we have him playing 6 or 7 NPC’s on the fly, and he’ll dim the lights dramatically and play recorded music. It’s terrific.
5. Agreed. 8. Same. 9. A zombie-apocalypse variant? How’s that work? 10. :/ 12. I can play things.. except the piano. I suck at that. 24. Ahh.. I envy people with photographic memories. 25. How are both those coming along? 26. Eccentric how?
9. We use a simplified system that only relies on the 10-sided die. If you get a nat 10, you can roll again and substract two from that rolled number. For each subsequent roll, we have a formula that works like this:
(r-2)+ n, where r = the number rolled, subtract 2 and it to n, which is the total accumulation of the roll so far. Every subsequent roll subtracts an extra two. My math’s a little shaky, but I think I got it.
Also, any roll lower than 10, the action fails.
26. I’m the kind of guy who likes Sugarcult, Sun, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Lord Green, and Dead Kennedys. But I can also love Harry Connick Jr, Michael Buble, Mika, Queen, Pink Floyd, the list goes on.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
1. I’m diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. No, I won’t take medication for it. Yes, that means focusing can be harder for me.
2. I don’t have a defined sexuality. If I love you, I love you.
3. I love designing things! I want to go into graphic design, specifically in relation to web applications and interfaces.
4. I don’t have any modern game consoles, so instead I play tons of indie games.
5. Talking about philosophy > Talking about religion for me.
6. This used to be a lot worse, but I’m still terrified of blood. I don’t know why. Guts, dismemberment, monsters, etc, don’t scare me. Blood freaks me out.
7. I have twinges of being a hopeless romantic, and I try to drown it in pessimism due to past experiences.
8. I’m shy and awkward when I first meet people. It’s because of how I was conditioned growing up, and I legitimately think people don’t like me very much.
9. I play a zombie-apocalypse variant of Dungeons & Dragons.
10. I used to really hate how I look. I was bullied in grade school for being fat, and it really fucked up how I see myself.
11. I have a great singing voice, but rarely any opportunity to use it.
12. I want to start a band, but very few of my friends can play instruments.
13. I don’t believe that there is anyone out there for me. I’d like to be proven wrong.
14. I have a million awesome book ideas, but I’m so very clueless about publishers. I want to make a career out of writing, though.
15. My brother is in boot camp for the Marines, and I miss him every day. :(
16. I have the lovely combination of being a sex addict, and being impotent.
17. I think pizza shouldn’t just be a vegetable, it should be a goddamned food group.
18. I think people from the Pekin area are kind of weird. Like, the kids who are growing up there right now are kind of fucked up people.
19. I hate being stuck doing nothing. I’m a workaholic.
20. Occasionally, I’ve been found to be insanely funny.
21. I try to make games as a hobby.
22. I love too many people at any given time.
23. Lots of people tell me their secrets. I’m a good listener.
24. I have a photographic memory, and can recite entire pages of books if that book is interesting enough.
25. I experiment with lucid dreaming and self-hypnosis, in an attempt to unlock the powers of my own mind and better explore myself.
26. My taste in music is eccentric to say the least.
27. I’m still friends with most of my exes.
28. I have a lot of repressed memories.
29. I have an uncanny ability to relate to people.
30. I’m an intern for a company developing a social networking platform. It’s exciting and scary at the same time, but I really like the work so far. I just want to be helpful, and as the new guy, I just hope everybody plays nice and likes me.
Nicolle told me to do this as like a dare or something. So I think I’ll hammer this out. Basically, a list of girls I still have feelings for. It’ll be publicly here for anyone to read.
I’ve decided to omit a few people that I kind of like because I don’t know them very well, and it didn’t seem fair to just go on physical attraction alone. So don’t feel left out if I don’t call your name, I may still think you’re incredibly pretty.
Also, I’m leaving this to people that I follow on Tumblr or Twitter only.
Nicolle, you’re first. I guess I’d be lying to say that I’m not totally crazy for you. Like, I know those feelings probably won’t be returned, and it’s okay. I at least appreciate that I can have a friend like you.
Betsy. Fuck, you just got a Tumblr today. Well, this is going to be an awkward read. But the truth is, you amaze me. You’re so different from other people, and a lot of times I just feel like I can really relate to you. Like, I feel like we get each other on this really weird level sometimes, and it’s cool as shit. But, you’re not looking for a relationship, not that I’d take it in a touchy-feely-awkward sort of direction if you were. I dunno, I love your brain and sense of humor.
Veronica. I know you’re just on the verge of breaking up with somebody. I can’t help but feel like a dick, standing here knowing that you know that I really like you as you’re leaving this person. But, I care tons about you, and I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.
Michelle, let’s make ridiculous porn and read comic books together. <3
Linsdey, fuck, you read this too. Like a hawk. Well, you stalked me humorously for a month, and it was ridiculous. You provided an amusing set of mind games, even though I kind of figured it was you. Listen, you’re super super pretty, and as odd as it sounds, I actually really enjoyed hanging out with you at Cams.
Julia, it was weak that we never went on a date all through high school even though we obviously liked each other. No reason to be sappy I guess, but I think we would’ve had a lot of fun, and you have a depth to your character and literary prowess that I think is really cool. You’re extremely intelligent, and I value that over most other things. Plus you’re a great person!
Jenni, Well, I honestly think we’ve both on and off liked each other at one point. I don’t know about you, but spending time with you that one weekend was really terrific, and it reminded me of why I like you so much. You’re cute as a button, witty, bitchy in exactly the right way, and just so much fun to be around. I was really kind of bummed when you turned around and suddenly went out with that Dan guy because I was under the impression that you liked me. I sure liked you, though. Still do. I see all these guys do terrible things to you and be shitheads, and I dunno if I’d be any better honestly, but gosh it’d be nice to be the odd man out.
Kathryn, you always crack jokes when I make posts like these, but I honestly think you’re terrific. You’re literate and you love books, and you love great movies. I like how much of a kid at heart you seem to be. You’re totally adorable.
***Disclaimer: This may end up totally backfiring and feeling really weird and awkward. It might not even be one of my brighter moments. But I figured you should know, and really, we Tumble more than we talk sometimes. And really, this is less creepy than simply holding it inside yourself forever and keeping it all in, never to say anything to anyone ever about it.
Assumption: You are a fun-loving guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. That causes you to get hurt and let down easily but also makes you love harder and more purely. Life has been shitty to you and at times you let it get to you in the worst ways but you are slowly getting better about it. You are realizing your strengths, recognizing your weaknesses, and learning from your past mistakes. You are improving your life and slowly allowing yourself to fine happiness. You just want to be loved.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Okay, this one is pretty heavy. If you don’t like heavy posts, maybe you should skip this one.
I can’t provide a single time that I’ve tried to end my own life. I could never do that because the grief would be too much for my family and the people I actually care about. I’m very much an advocate for being able to choose when your own life ends, but suicide is like a bad marriage to me. I’m just not going to commit to it.
However. I think about killing myself all the time, especially when things are bad. In this economy, and as a college student that’s still trying to get my living situation put back together, I think about suicide all the time.
I think about stabbing myself every time I look at a knife. I think about burning myself when I’m near the stove, and I look at every ceiling fan and wonder what the proper rope length should be.
I indulge in sick fantasies of death, because I’ve been conditioned to hate myself and everything about me. I see a fat fucking failure every time I look in the mirror, and I fantasize about being someone else when I’m not thinking about the best way to hurt myself in order to express how I’m feeling. I have always been awkward, feeble, and afraid of the world around me.
I would like to point out that I don’t always feel this way, and the last few weeks have been a real road to improvement. I don’t nearly think those things as much as I did before. I just need people to lean on, people to pour my heart out to.
I want to feel normal. I want to be happy. But I want to do it without pills or medication, which is everything that I’m against. I’d rather be insane and maintain some semblance of creativity than to be drugged up and have no soul.
I hate this. Not religion, specifically, but that dreaded question you get when you meet certain kinds of people. The kinds that act like they have it all figured out, and are so cocksure about their beliefs because THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY SO RIGHT.
That question can be summarized in its most popular form: “So, like, what’s your views on religion, man?”
To which I usually want to say "Go fuck yourself." You aren’t fooling anyone with your feigned interest in my personal beliefs. These statements usually feel like an opener for you to ramble on endlessly about how stupid Christianity/Atheism/Whatever is, or how you’ve finally found a foolproof way to exploit the Teleological Argument/Problem of Suffering. If you were genuinely taking a cosmopolitan pursuit of gaining new knowledge about my beliefs, it’d be different, but often this is not the case.
It’s frustrating, because I find these kind of basic religious discussions to be pretty uninteresting to me. I remember first hearing about how non-Christians burn forever in a horrible place. I was 10 when I was told this, and it was at a Vacation Bible School. I remember crying in front of the pastor of the church, telling him that this had to be wrong somehow. How could billions of people around the globe suffer forever for something so basic?
Is it not contradictory? Accept Christ’s love, or burn forever? What asshole thought this up?
My point is, I had plenty of time to make up my mind about religion. I went through my little Christian Zealot phase, followed by my Bitter Atheist stage, my Shocking Satanist stage, and my Apathetic Agnostic stage. In the last five years, I’ve explored many different schools of thought. It was a great experience of growth and definition for me.
So, that kind of discussion is beneath me now. I’m done trying to explain my crazy religious views to people. You know what I can’t get enough of, sharing to people?
Or rather, the potential lack thereof. Are you the sort of person that sometimes feels like the world you live in isn’t real? Or that our reality is somehow part of a greater construct? For all we know, we are a bunch of different characters being played out in someone’s subconscious. We could be electrons firing across a synapse of a brain, as a dream passes by.
The other great discovery for me was the death of Truth as anything more than a linguistic expression. I’m not saying that there isn’t some kind of greater power, but I’m convinced that there may not be a great universal truth out there. We always talk about trying to find truth in this sea of endless lies and deceit. Look at our media. It’s totally saturated in lies about beauty, value, self, and hope.
The fact of the matter is that, aside from a few personal, universally-accepted truisms, there really isn’t any Truth at all. There is no reason to the functioning of the universe, nor does there have to be. Everybody’s obsessed with trying to find out how we got here, and where our universe came from.
Why? It’s fun to think about, but what good does that do?
We dress everything up and act like it has some sort of intrinsic purpose, but does it? Do our prayers fall on deaf ears out in some kind of meaningless void? Every political party, every religious group, every philosopher will ultimately give you their variation of the truth.
And most of it is total fucking garbage. It’s up to you to try and sort through all of it to find anything of value to you personally. Ultimately, the only thing left to do is attempt to forge your own Fate. That’s all anyone can ever do.
So in short, the only things I can believe, aside from basic spiritualism, are being decent to my own fellow man, and trying to make this semblance of an existence bearable for everyone. I am an embittered idealist, but an idealist through and through. I am a Universalist Unitarian, and I’d rather judge people by their actions and the content of their character rather than what Church or Temple or Mosque they like to worship or not worship in.