I feel gross and unattractive whenever I’m around someone I find really attractive. Even if my body is clean and I’m groomed my best, I feel like there’s a thick layer of dirt all over my soul. Either there’s a button that won’t work, or I’ll look a little fatter than usual, or my hair just won’t look right.
I’m in a frustrating spot. On the one hand, I’ve had some pretty less-than-stellar relationships in the past. Being in them made me realize some pretty ugly truths about myself.
I was in love with the idea of being in love. All through growing up, I believed in the delusion that one day I’d be swept off my feet by the perfect person for me. That kind of belief made me have highly unrealistic expectations, so naturally I fell madly in love with the wrong people. When your self-esteem is low, you’ll fall for anyone. You become codependent, and that can open up a whole can of worms in regards to getting hurt.
Naturally, I was very young, and very stupid. I’ve become less young, but I don’t know whether I’m any less stupid.
It has been a long time since I’ve felt very close to anybody. In many ways, I have shut the world out, and am afraid to love again. Putting yourself out there is hard. Telling someone you like them without fear of rejection is hard. How can anyone do that competently if they feel terrible about themselves?
I’m lonely, but I think I have to be alone for right now. I become complicated in relationships. Often I see all the parts of myself that I hate in the other person. I know. It’s not fair to them.
I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I can’t be alone. I, like any other human being, crave intimacy and companionship. I don’t know how to tell people I care for them, or that I think they’re attractive. I rarely tell people I love them, let alone like.
And it’s not like I’m posting this to seek pity. Rather, I just feel lost sometimes, and I’m not sure how best to improve the situation. I’m not in the best place really; sometimes I just feel like I don’t have a lot to offer. I realize that this all stems from how I see myself, how I value opinions, and how I interact with others. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. I’m trying.