This is who I am and where I am at in life right now. Since graduating high school, I had steadily cut back on the time I had dedicated to any sort of physical exercise. I have gotten very out of shape over the years, and this has led to a long-running warped sense of body image. I have exercised myself back into a type of shape before, but it was an unhealthy combination of SlimFast, incredibly small bland meals, and a lot of comments about how fat I was from my father. My head got kind of fucked up about it.
I have long had problems with my appearance in one way or another. Even when I was thin, I looked kind of fat to myself. I lacked confidence to talk to people that I was attracted to, and it’s easy to be very critical of yourself when these things start adding up.
Recently, I’ve started exercising. I go five days a week, sometimes I still puke from getting used to being so active. Leg day is the worst. There are still exercises that I can’t do many of. My form is laughable, but slowly being corrected through repeated demonstration.
When this all first started, I could barely do a single push-up. Now I can do roughly about 10. It’s not many, but even so, I have already started to grow stronger. New contours have started to form on my body, and some of my fat is starting to come off.
My life is starting to change. I’m starting to take care of myself again. I’m making better choices, and eating and sleeping differently. Things are getting decluttered, cleaner, and more organized.
I have been living a very unstructured lifestyle for a very long time. It has been difficult to complete tasks, even ones I enjoyed. I have felt as if part of me has been missing, and for me it has been deeply upsetting.
I’ve come a long way from who I used to be. I’m not all the way there yet, but I have to try. Many experiences have allowed me to shed layers upon layers of baggage and adjust to think about more important things.
So this is me. It has been three weeks. I have set my personal pride aside, buried the hatchet with someone I had a falling out with, and now we work out together almost every day. I haven’t weighed myself.
I feel hope, and at the same time, I feel like I could cry. I’m doing this for myself, to get in the best shape I can and live a long, healthy life. To shed the last of my great insecurities, to put the structure I need into living my life, to look the best I possibly can in the opinion of myself, and to grow as a human being.