I need to be more honest in myself and start blogging about my life more. It’s personal to me, and I treat my Tumblr account in a strangely impersonal way. It’s just sort of a digital hoarded collection of things I like.
So, I’m going to blog about how I’m feeling. Every day is a new experience, and I change and grow and develop a little more each day. Our lives are finite, but our potential in the things that can be accomplished can be infinite to an individual.
As kids grow older, they grow exponentially more cruel. A person learns as time goes on the art of ostracizing someone that is unlike them. Others are coerced to join in on the mockery, and in time acts of social and physical cruelty are dispensed. The parties present consist of the bully, the bullied, and the onlookers who are obliged to cheer that person on.
We carry this into adulthood, the sensation of forcing out other people through their insecurities because we ourselves are different in our own ways. There are things about you, about me, about everybody else that we collectively don’t want other people to know about, from the minute to the grandiose. To be who you truly are is exposing in a world of such narcissistic tendencies. You feel naked.
Some days, I feel absolutely crazy. My experiences occasionally veer off into bizarre territory. Occasionally, I suffer intense panic attacks in which I feel kind of delirious. It’s hard to make sense of anything sometimes, and sometimes my sense of reality breaks down between the waking and sleeping state. I’m occasionally paranoid, socially avoidant, and constantly fighting a sense of anxiety. I pace in circles, and when at home, I always look around to make sure that no one’s here to jump out and hurt me. I question who I really am. Who am I supposed to be acting like? Why do I sometimes feel like a self-centered jerk?
The thing is, I’m not always consistently like that. The paranoia, the delirium, the really fucked up nightmares…they only happen once in a while. I’m normally highly empathetic, and considerate of other people’s emotion. In the right level of comfort, I can warmly conversate, debate, and exchange ideas with people I like. I think about everything, and I try to go out of my way to be good in the sense of having a moral compass and sticking to it.
I just get lost in these strange feelings. Emotions that can’t entirely be explained. Sensations, a combination of emotional electricity and a song that never ends. My world of dreaming bleeds into the world of the living sometimes, but I can still tell what’s real and what isn’t.
OH MY GOD
The struggle. The sacrifice. It has all paid off. Today is the day that your Kickstarter project has been fully funded, and you are flying high. Whether you have raised $5,000, $50,000, or blasted your way into the upper stratospheres of crowdfunding, it is a good time to relax, and…