The Dead Sidekick

I’m trying to find ways to express many of my notes and ideas. Whenever I have a crazy idea, I try to write down as much as I possibly can. I’ve got reams and reams of concepts I really want to dive into.

I’ve had awful writer’s block though. It’s easy to come up with an idea, but coming up with the right words to describe things can be difficult. You have to frame out how you want everything to be put together in terms of writing style and execution. Why are certain characters motivated to do what they do?

Tying things together seems tricky too. There are so many things I want to write about, but I always end up half-finishing something and putting it away for later. I need to find a way to write prolifically, and edit as necessary.

I’ve managed to do a lot with my visual art in a relatively short amount of time. I can only hope to do the same with my writing.

I feel gross and unattractive whenever I’m around someone I find really attractive. Even if my body is clean and I’m groomed my best, I feel like there’s a thick layer of dirt all over my soul. Either there’s a button that won’t work, or I’ll look a little fatter than usual, or my hair just won’t look right.

I’m in a frustrating spot. On the one hand, I’ve had some pretty less-than-stellar relationships in the past. Being in them made me realize some pretty ugly truths about myself.

I was in love with the idea of being in love. All through growing up, I believed in the delusion that one day I’d be swept off my feet by the perfect person for me. That kind of belief made me have highly unrealistic expectations, so naturally I fell madly in love with the wrong people. When your self-esteem is low, you’ll fall for anyone. You become codependent, and that can open up a whole can of worms in regards to getting hurt.

Naturally, I was very young, and very stupid. I’ve become less young, but I don’t know whether I’m any less stupid.

It has been a long time since I’ve felt very close to anybody. In many ways, I have shut the world out, and am afraid to love again. Putting yourself out there is hard. Telling someone you like them without fear of rejection is hard. How can anyone do that competently if they feel terrible about themselves?

I’m lonely, but I think I have to be alone for right now. I become complicated in relationships. Often I see all the parts of myself that I hate in the other person. I know. It’s not fair to them.

I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I can’t be alone. I, like any other human being, crave intimacy and companionship. I don’t know how to tell people I care for them, or that I think they’re attractive. I rarely tell people I love them, let alone like.

And it’s not like I’m posting this to seek pity. Rather, I just feel lost sometimes, and I’m not sure how best to improve the situation. I’m not in the best place really; sometimes I just feel like I don’t have a lot to offer. I realize that this all stems from how I see myself, how I value opinions, and how I interact with others. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. I’m trying.

wishuponawhishaw:

Should I feel guilty about reading fanfiction instead of reading real books

Yes.

(via ladyofdecember)

punkcurmudgeon asked: Ok, where did your name come from?

My parents didn’t know what to name me, so they went and saw The Hunt for Red October. Sean Connery played the lead role, and the rest is history.